Dude Steals Parking Spot From Guy With His Blinker On
LOS ANGELES, CA
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Frustration filled the air today after some dude stole a parking spot from California native, Dave Walsh, 31. Dave was on his way to his local Target for some “Q-Tips and South Park Season 7” when he ran into some difficulties whilst trying to park his 1996 Honda Accord. “It was really hot today and I didn’t want to have to park in the very end of the row, so I drove around for a while with the air conditioner on and waited for a spot close up front to open up.” Walsh said. Allegedly, he was driving around the Target lot for more than 20 minutes when he finally spotted a family packing up the trunk of thier car and getting ready to leave its designated parking area. “I was so excited, I stopped as soon as I saw the bags being loaded into the car and proceeded to turn my blinker on” explained Walsh. Minutes later, the humiliation occured.
Los Angeles, CA - Everyone’s favorite beutarded heiress, Paris Hilton is making quite the controversial splash on the fashion scene. She recently showed up to a party in Los Angeles friday night wearing a dress with visible magic Mormon underwear underneath. When asked about her ensemble, Paris replied “Why should Mormons get to have all the fun? I want my body to be protected too. It also makes the boys wonder what’s underneath it so that’s hot!” 
Talahasee, FL- Local area white man, Thomas Hanson recently learned a new slang word while flipping through some radio stations, the word ’skeet’. Hanson, who said he learned the word from a popular rap song “Get Low” by recording artist Lil’ John, asked his Puerto Rican co-worker what the term meant. “I asked Barry Gamiz because he is the best ‘black’ acquaintance I know. I thought if anyone is going to know what ’skeet’ meant, a black person is going to know it,” says Hanson. What Hanson didn’t know was that Barry likes to occasionally play practical jokes on co-workers. “I like to mess with somes of my co-workas, specially the ones that assoome I’m black. I am Puerto-Rican foo, just beecwas someone is daked skinned doesn’t automatic-wolly make them black. I wanted to show hims a lesson, you knows what I’m sayin?” Gamiz said. 
Orlando - Local handless 8 year old child Suzy Little is reportedly disappointed at her parents for pouring a new concrete patio in preparation for their new patio cover. Her siblings Bryce, Caleb, and Jasmine were reported as very excited about getting to put their handprints into the freshly poured concrete. Suzy however was not so overjoyed, “Everyone was excited about putting their handprints in the cement, but I don’t have hands. I was mad cause Dad said I couldn’t put my stump prints in the cement, cause he said that ‘was stupid,’ and ‘no one does that.’” She apparently went on to tell him that she hated him and called him a “meany.” 
New York - In an announcement made today, Donatello from the famous Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or TMNT has announced he is gay. Largely thought to be the intellectual and the pacifist of the group, according to Donatello, his intellectual and calm attitude in the past was a way of expressing his feminine side, in a non-homosexual way. He stressed he is the same old Donatello. “I think it is important to remember that I am still the same old Donatello. The only difference now is now I am free, free to express myself as a homosexual turtle,” says Donatello. 
Surprise, AZ - City Mayor Joan Shafer announced to the local press this morning that children are no longer allowed to administer the “Cootie Shot” amongst themselves. “The children were becoming choosy and selective with who was to receive the shot. They became aware of the power they had and refused to provide releif for those who were suffering.” Shafer also made the public more aware of what exactly the Cooties Infection is compromised of. 
Ohio - The always controversial upscale clothing company Abercrombie & Fitch announced amidst complaints of racial discrimination its newest brand, AfricaCrombie & Fiatch. A&F has been critized in the past for only catering to one part of the population… the lighter part, and accused by many of ignoring the racially diverse, the fat, the ugly and Orientals. However, A&F contends most of the accusations to be false. “Of course we don’t cater to fat people, who does? We however, do not discriminate against any race, and we are very diverse,” says A&F representative Tara Echmin. “I dare you to find a straight guy working in any of our stores, we are very diverse,” continued Echmin. 
Washington D.C. - In response to growing tension over the potential pandemic flu known to the public as “Bird Flu”, the government made a special announcement to the press this morning. U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld discussed the actions America should take if the flu begins mass outbreak among humans. “The response is simple, prepare you and your family if any outbreak should occur. Our research and science developments show that the birds will not transfer the disease to other “birds” that they think already carry it. Therefore, the government has fronted $7.1 billion dollars on mass amounts of bird costumes to protect the American people. ” 
Malibu, CA - Most people know model-actress Pamela Anderson from television’s “Baywatch” and “V.I.P.”. She is also an avid supporter of People for the Ethical Treatment for Animals (or Total Bullshit for short) and a very healthy vegetarian. Yet ever since scientists have proven that a healthy body needs protien, many wonder- How does Pam Anderson stay so healthy aside from Hepatitis C? She announced her secret to the press yesterday saying, “My health is important to me and does not depend on beef or chicken. I receive my protien through a new program introduced by my doctor in which I boil, barbeque, or sautee newborn baby.” 
Los Angeles - Pop star Ashlee Simpson released her new album last week titled, “I am Me.” Fans have flocked to record store purchasing her album to make it number one on the billboard charts this week edging out Rod Stewart latest record for the number one spot. Even though record sales have been good, apparently her record label Geffen Records has had numerous reports of her CD not playing in home and car stereos. 
Canton Ohio - Local resident Julie Simon in a press release today announced that she is no longer attractive naked. Well over forty years of age and not in top physical shape, she has come to the conclusion that she is not sexual attractive anymore. Her suspicions first started a couple years ago when she started noticing her flabby arms, saddlebags, love handles, saggy boobs and the cellulite under her butt.
Los Angeles, CA - Kanye West has been the subject of controversy lately from his awkward comment heard round the world about George Bush not fancying black people. The release of his new album Late Registration has only helped his popularity among the media and probably least expected- the Church. A Catholic priest has had rising suspicions about Kanye West ever since his hit song, “The Workout Plan” in which he rapped about being able to lose weight just from giving head, checking on your weave and doing what any good Catholic would do- listening.