Malibu, CA - Most people know model-actress Pamela Anderson from television’s “Baywatch” and “V.I.P.”. She is also an avid supporter of People for the Ethical Treatment for Animals (or Total Bullshit for short) and a very healthy vegetarian. Yet ever since scientists have proven that a healthy body needs protien, many wonder- How does Pam Anderson stay so healthy aside from Hepatitis C? She announced her secret to the press yesterday saying, “My health is important to me and does not depend on beef or chicken. I receive my protien through a new program introduced by my doctor in which I boil, barbeque, or sautee newborn baby.”

According to Pam’s doctor, Noori Ahmed, babies have the highest amount of protien in thier fat, useless bodies. “The ‘Safe Haven’ programs at hospitals and firehouses are really fronts for what we call the “Babeatery”. We take those babies that have been abandoned and feed them to rich celebrites who will pay me a hefty price for thier protien meal.” In a joint deal to cut down population in the country, China has offered to ship 10,000 ready-to-eat babies a month to U.S. consumers. Ahmed continues, “The demand for babies has gone up tremendously, we should expect to see them enter the stock market by the end of 2006.”
Research has shown that consuming one baby per month gives an adult body sufficient protien for the time given- and Pamela seems thrilled, “It is so much easier for me to sleep at night, knowing I didn’t consume the flesh of a cute lamb or cow. My lifestyle has definetly benefited from this diet.” Anderson has also reported that she will be doing a new ad campaign with Peta, revising her “Give Fur the Cold Shoulder” slogan. The new ad will feature a nude Anderson with a snowy backround and a ready-to-eat baby stating, “Give Fur the Cold Shoulder- Eat a Chinese Baby instead.”