Washington D.C. - In response to growing tension over the potential pandemic flu known to the public as “Bird Flu”, the government made a special announcement to the press this morning. U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld discussed the actions America should take if the flu begins mass outbreak among humans. “The response is simple, prepare you and your family if any outbreak should occur. Our research and science developments show that the birds will not transfer the disease to other “birds” that they think already carry it. Therefore, the government has fronted $7.1 billion dollars on mass amounts of bird costumes to protect the American people. “

Rumsfeld continued to say that while the costume may take Americans some getting used to, they very well could save millions of lives. “Until we know more about this disease and how to contain it, this is the safest way for Americans to live.” The disguises that have been produced come in many different styles to appeal to the public. There are black, white, yellow and red styles for different races, as well as more elaboratley decorated ones for celebrities. The suits also come equipped with a “backhatch” for bodily excrements. Scientist J.J. Edwards claimed not only are the disguises pratical, but comfortable as well, “They can be worn all day- in the office, picking up the kids, even working out. The possibilities are endless.”Edwards also praised the effectiveness of the disguise. “When humans in costume were placed within feet of the diseased birds, they simply continued on thier own way, ignoring the new company or pooping on them to mark thier territory.” When asked if the birds would notice the scam when the disguised human couldn’t fly, Rumsfeld replied, “We are suggesting mainly chicken, penguin and some duck disguises to the public for now, although billions of tax-payers money is being spent on scientific experiments to create flying costumes. Only time and money will tell if that is a possible outcome.” In the meantime, Rumsfeld demanded that all costumes have clipped wings to suggest the inability to fly. “We hope it doesn’t come down to this, but if it does, we will be ready for it.”