Heaven NH - The God of Christianity today announced that despite the relentless prayers of Christina Owens about her son who was killed by a road side bomb in Iraq, that he will in fact answer her prayers with an emphatic NO. “Look, I know she prays every day and every night for me to bring her son back to life, but I’m not going to do it, no sir,” says God, who was only known to do that one time a couple thousand years ago. “I don’t know why people think that Jesus is my son. My homeboy yes, but my son no, most people don’t know this, but Jesus is my accountant, I brought him back so he could tie up some loose ends before he came back to heaven, I have a couple bookies that needed to be paid off.” God explains that the repercussions for bringing someone back to life are too high, “Christina is a great follower, but what she is asking for is just not going to happen. Look the other Gods would be pissed if I did that. Buddha, Allah and Oprah would demand an explanation if I were to do that, and what would I tell them? Especially Allah… Since the September 11th thing, Allah and I haven’t exactly been speaking. I thought that we had this standing agreement that only Christians could kill in the name of me, and then Allah decided to allow his crazy Muslims to blow up my Christian, money loving, vain, resource hogging Americans. So, like I said, we haven’t been talking.” According to God, the other gods won’t take sides either, “Buddha is such an outcast he never comes out for our little parties, and I can never get a hold of Oprah, who is always busy counting her money. All I ever get on the phone is that damn Steadman.”

God claims that the other god’s concerns aren’t the only reason He cannot bring her son Brad back to life. “The other reason of course is the fact that he is in Hell, he definitely isn’t here… Hell is so huge and overpopulated right now, and it would take me forever to find him, and I hate going down there, it’s so humid,” says God. “Then I’d have to bargain with Satan, and he can be quite a bastard to bargain with, not to mention it’s a bitch trying to understand him with his shitty Chinese accent.”

When asked how God would answer her prayer he was quoted as saying, “She asked to answer her with a huge sign… I think I’ll bombard New Orleans with another hurricane, which never gets old.”