BEDFORD, New York — In what can only be described as classic Martha Stewart, the sixty-three year old homemaking guru had been on a strict diet and weight lifting regiment before her scheduled prison time; to prepare for what Stewart calls a beat down party.

“I wanted to be as buff as I could be, to kick as much ass as possible while I was incarcerated. As they say in the house, I wasn’t going down like some punk ass bitch,” says Stewart. Stewart a divorced mother of three was convicted of obstruction of justice and was sentenced to a mandatory five month prison stay. “I saw this conviction as an opportunity… an opportunity for punishment to others for my misdeeds. I whipped some ass and took some names,” quips Stewart. “No I’m serious, this is no joke, America already knows I’m cold hearted bitch, and I was prepared to crack some skulls and cuff down some whores, and that’s exactly what I did.” In addition to the weight lifting, Stewart apparently had been in intense martial arts training in preparation for her, what she calls her, “five month beat down schedule.” The martial arts, weight lifting, personal trainer, kick boxing coach and The Carpenter’s greatest hits CD ultimately helped Martha prepare for her five month stint in the West Virginia prison. “I planned on owning the place from day one,” says Stewart.

Apparently, “the owning” is exactly what happened, and the evidence of Stewart’s domination is seen from the first entry into her prison journal.

Checked in late today, inmate 55170-054… a way too touchy correction officer try to feel me up while I was being searched. I think it was a test. I checked that bitch, by “accidentally” elbowing her in her cooter while I was getting up. That should teach that bitch to fuck with this.

Today as I was being escorted to my cell, I was met with curious eyes from most of the prisoners, but one bitch that goes by the name 2×4 gave me a dirty look… I am going to call her target numero uno.

I also met my cellmate today. Shartruce was a woman of considerable stature, but she seems very timid. Oh, she definitely will be my bitch by the end of the week. I will be trading her around for cigarettes and hopefully some oregano for my famous rack of lamb with Italian couscous, it’s out of this world! If I do say so myself.

My plans for tomorrow include:

Morning: Since I cannot get a good look at anyone with these hideous jumpsuits… Shower time will be the perfect opportunity to size everyone up, find out who is packin’ muscle. Here I will single out my easy targets to intimidate and beat, just like my ex-husband.

Lunch: That bitch 2X4 is mine, dirty looks and poorly prepared “Cote de Beouf,” don’t fly with me… When she sits down to eat, I am going to sneak up behind her, pull out a chunk of her hair and force feed it to her, emasculating her in front of her posse.

Dinner: Prison Tattoos for all my property, and Pan-Roasted Milk-Fed Veal Rib Chop - Sautéed Escarole, Golden Raisins, Pine nuts, Caramelized Garlic, Preserved Lemon and Creamy Parmesan Polenta. Bo appetite!

According to Stewart, the stay in the West Virginia prison taught her valuable lessons in life. “I learned that wherever I go, I succeed. Whether it is in business, home making, fashion, or beating bitches down, I am the best at what I do. The stay also helped me focus on what is important in my life… fear and intimidation.”