Los Angeles, CA - Kanye West has been the subject of controversy lately from his awkward comment heard round the world about George Bush not fancying black people. The release of his new album Late Registration has only helped his popularity among the media and probably least expected- the Church. A Catholic priest has had rising suspicions about Kanye West ever since his hit song, “The Workout Plan” in which he rapped about being able to lose weight just from giving head, checking on your weave and doing what any good Catholic would do- listening.
Father O’Brien comments, “The testimonies heard in the song from women who have gone from trailer parks to Rodeo Drive is simply miraculous- only someone with supreme God-given powers could make a fat woman lose weight by simply listening. This is something that we as Catholics need to learn from and repeat. Nobody likes a fat woman.” The Father also went on to comment that this song is helping women lose weight by playing it during communion instead of handing out low-carb Jesus crackers. Surprising as the statements seem, the idea is getting more and more popular among the Catholic community.

But how true can Catholic accusations be? Everyone knows the Catholics make things up and then blame it on the Jews or Tom Cruise. Yet crazy as it may seem, it is not only the Catholics getting in on this new belief. Reverend Dwayne Jefferson of the ‘Holla for Jesus Church’ in Inglewood claims that his church has believed Kanye to be Jesus ever since his freshman album, College Dropout. “I always knew there was something heavenly about Kanye’s smooth rhymes and crunk beats. The people at my church have nicknamed Kanye ‘The Brother from Another Mother’ and we have already started to prepare for the miraculous things we know he will do.” Both the Reverend and the Father brought up Kanye’s shyness about his God-given abilities claiming that he is so humble; he hides his powers even in his lyrics. For example, in his hit single “Gold Digger” he hides his ability to know what will happen in the future by giving credit to a psychic: “…but I’m lookin for the one/have you seen her/My psychic told me she’ll have a ass like Serena/Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids/..” Reverend Jefferson went on to say “We know Kanye will do wonderful things. He has already called out President Bush for not accommodating the black community in Louisiana, telling him to change his ways or forever be burned in the depths of hell. If you watch that commercial, you can see how emotional his co-host, Mike Meyers was. A source on the set told me that Meyers was truly touched by Kanye’s honesty and finna seek out his wrong doings the very next day and cleanse his soul of sin.” When Kanye was asked for a comment on these claims he simply replied, “Somebody tell these niggas who Kanye West is.”